Feeling depressed. Was already feeling lower than low, flight to Denver today, got just under 6 hours of sleep, got to airport, texted Mom back telling her I’d be arriving
I’m too good at going numb, I have some issue, when I’m hurt, I hurt myself more, because there’s like a threshold of pain that after a certain point it just doesn’t affect me. My Mom calls me, says that Dad was in the hospital the other day, and she’s going to be working so won’t be able to pick me up. tells me his chest pain so bad she took him to emergency room. I sleep on the plane, wake up, then take the train. I get off at transfer, wait at the wrong place, miss the next train, the one after not coming for another half hour. I finally get on the next one, but the line is broken, so get kicked off two stops in. I take shuttle that’s been set up to next station, wait there for train. train doesn’t come. This is the worst feeling. I am lowest of the low, scum of the earth, here on public transit with junkies across the way, and I’m here with them. I’ve felt this before, I feel this all the time, and I’ve steeled myself to be able to handle it, by going numb somehow. And this is an explosive combination with the markets.
I order uber not wanting to wait any longer, and while waiting, see Daddy say he’s buying calls for spy. I look at chart and see it bottoming at daily support and figure fuck it why not. I get in, and price moves up. i’m in profit close to $500 at one point, and the day starts to feel better. I’m in Tesla Uber, watching price go up, things don’t feel so bad. I get home, my father is there, decrepit, with bandages on his arms, whispering barley. Price starts to falter and fluctuate. He’s in pain, just back from hospital. Price begins to dump. I hold, and at some point get out, I take a number of other trades then end up just pissing money away, the volatility destroying me. At some point during this (I’m taking all these trades on my phone) my Dad, standing there in the back yard, motions to hug me. We embrace and he whispers in his frail, broken voice “I need help, Josh”. Prices continue to fall and I’m now probably $1k down at this point. I have work calls I’m supposed to be on soon, I take probably a couple more trades just for good measure, then shut the app off at -$1600. But not after adding $2k from my personal bank account to keep myself above PDT.
I am a broken degenerate. Is there some correlation that my ascent in trading happened during the longest period I was ever away from home, and the decent started two weeks ago after getting back from home, and capitulating today. when I’m in this toxic hell of a family. It’s all ultimately my fault, when it comes to trading, but exercised no discipline and for the FOURTH day IN A ROW, succumbed to numb trading. I still have a voice in the back of my head, that this is easy to win back, that it just takes a few good days to win it all back, and this is true, but if this voice is serving to do nothing but bury me deeper, thousands deeper, it’s of no use. I was up $500, and then hoping for more, and then lost it all and 3x more.
I think I’m in pain, something is wrong with me, I’m broken, hopeless, degenerate. I have no discipline, the market is the last void of hope that I’ve attached myself to, a slave to the possibility I believe it can bring me, the pipe dream of a better life. And I can be addicted to it because there, just at my fingertips lies the possibility for a better life, just there, across the way. Will I be trapped in this lie forever, this false hope, continuously propelling me, my only fuel into a bleak future. Is this punishment for my hubris of believing in a better life, believing I can create myself into something more.