Well its official. Given back all of my profits from September and likely a little more. Took a fucking car trade, took a position from my phone then driving to drip office, couldn’t close it out, pulled over got service, then closed out -725. Then entered another position, was green for a while, think I placed a limit order once I got to the office, but definitely didn’t make much if anything. In another position now, long /es contracts and holding because that’s been the trend of the day, but things look bleak.
I am numb now, I don’t know if it’s just psychological, like I feel I didn’t deserve the profits I’d accumulated for the month. I felt like complete shit yesterday, eviscerated, vacuous. I have no discipline when it comes to losses, I think I can win it back, then try to win it back, then lose more, then trade with shit stops and get chopped up and lose more, then with commissions I lose more. All of this right when I was becoming overwhelmed with hope, haha, all of this after I had sat down with Aubrey, talking about my trading for the first time in months, having not talked with her about it at all because of superstition that if I talked about it I would jinx myself and fuck it up. Well it seems I manifested that myself. I was telling her how ‘I think things are going to work out, I think I’m going to be able to trade full time pretty soon, I think that it’s coming sooner than you think’ type fucking horseshit. I’ve been building a ‘goal visualizer’ and becoming coddled by the thought ‘If I just keep doubling my money like I’ve been doing for the last however many week’s then I’ll be a millionaire before February!’ I was holding relative reservation of course, but this was the outline in my head, and as I approached the 3500 in profit for the month I was surprising even myself, I could not believe it, I got scared somehow, uncomfortable. Well seems I’m comfortable as fucking degenerate losing fuck, because that’s what I’ve reduced myself to now.
As I speak I’m in a winning trade, the chart looks bullish enough and I’ve held through considerable pain after pissing away a considerable amount to chop, but now seems like I’m in something that’s good enough, but who knows. We’re at a significant multi day resistance level now, teetering at it, will see if it’s taken out. I digress.
Went up then back down, kept half of profit this time but missed out on 300 more from peak. whatever. Now month is just below breakeven.
Exhausted.