I think I’m a masochist. I’ve now given up all my profits for the period since I started in April. I was up a bit today, I could have stopped and been green on the month, but like a magnet to $1k loss which seems to be my terminal limit, because I knew that’s how much profit I had to burn, I gave it away, then I stopped. Like I deserve this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m just in some sort of fuck it mindset, then I think I can win back what I’d just made then I go in and lose more, then I tell myself, “I’ll just get back to even I’m so close and one good trade will get me there” then I lose twice as much, like there’s some sort of subconscious there telling me that I’m going to lose it, I’m destined to lose it. Maybe I’m one of the people like in market wizards that needs to just stay away from trading. I have a toxic subconscious maybe destined for pain, suffering. It seems to be a base state I’m comfortable enough in. I see it in my dad, I’ve seen it in my dad, somehow when things are bad it’s like he’s happy, or comfortable. I’m projecting now, but this is all part of what’s ailing me. I started today with the goal of just being green for September, I just had to make $60. I was up $160, about to walk away, I’d even exported my trades, but then I went back in and the events played out. I was trading chop at these base levels, the market is bottoming at for the time being, critical levels that are easy to see that they’re chop.
Part of the reason I keep going is because of the positive days I’ve had, just one day can make all the difference and in just one day I can make back $1k with not much difficulty. This is the lull that pulls me in, then I end up giving back the $1k.
I’m back to feeling disemboweled, eviscerated, vacuous. I told myself I just need to trade today, just to finish the month, just because it’s the last day I can trade for the month, that I need to trade it. And I did well enough at the beginning. I was calm enough, I was cautious enough, I did well enough getting in profit. I need to implement some limits. I need to implement limits to the number of trades I can take period .
I piss away all this profit because I’m telling myself in some way that it’s easy to make it back. If this perspective helps me to make profit then keep it, but look where it’s gotten you now. You have no tolerance to hold through big moves. You have no tolerance for it. You built your precious cushion with tiny moves, tiny tiny moves, and you were lucky consistently enough and stopped yourself consistently enough to be able to build up a cushion of profits, that you’ve now completely pissed away. Months of accumulation gone. Hopefully you have some sort of experience you’ve gained from it. maybe this means you need to step away from futures until you build some shit back up. If you keep pissing away money like this you are fucked.
Somehow I’m numb, I now don’t even feel that bad, I’m already recovering from this. Like I needed some sort of reset, like I was just already mentally thinking of myself as starting from back to zero, and then I really brought myself there, when I could have started myself from a profit cushion of $1300. I am a problem.